Secrets

The sort of work I do requires me to keep certain secrets.  The secrets I am forced to keep are not because I am afraid of judgement, but more because I am afraid of improper treatment.  If you have found your way to this blog entry, you probably already know what I do.  I am an adult web cam entertainer, and I also make and sell clip in kitty ears.  A lot of people think I get paid to do sex toy reviews, but for the record: I do not.  I receive toys in exchange for reviews.  Therefore, I do not consider it part of my work.

I’ve spoken before about how my parents (well, my mother really.  Dad has aphasia, and therefore can barely speak) know about what I do.  That is true.  My mother knows that I occasionally model and that I do web cam work.  She also knows that I am making kitty ears.  That is all well and good, but we never go into details.  She does not know about this website, she has never seen my web cam profile page, and she has not seen the Mewtique.  Why?  Well, honestly, it would be a bit awkward showing my work to my mother.  Yes, she’s been over to our place before, and we do have some nude modeling photos of me on our walls (Master loves them <3 ).  I have never believed in the idea of going around my house and removing all of the items and pictures which make our house our home.  If anyone family, friends, etc, want to come over they are welcome to.  But we’re not going to be doing a mass-overhaul of our home.  Not going to happen.  There are not many pictures though, and my mother thinks they are just “art”.  True, some of them are, but some of them are blatant porn.  At any rate, the pictures up in the house are tame compared with some of the photos I have online.  Truth be told, I still do not believe that your parents are people who need to know every detail of your sex life.  And honestly?  I am positive mine do not want to know the details.  They know we are different, they know we are happy, and that’s pretty much where things end.

Sometimes it gets frustrating though.  I do not do what I do for attention, but listening to my mother go on and on about how well my brother is doing in his life is annoying to me.  Why can’t she be proud of my accomplishments?  Why?  Because I am different.  Because I do not do the type of things she wants to talk about.  The other day she was going on and on about how my brother has this “Amazing website” and how I should check it out.  I decided to check it out, and it was his Myspace page.  I’ve nothing against Myspace, but hearing my mother brag about a website which is not even owned by my brother made me want to say something like:  “Hey!  Have you seen MY website?  It is self-hosted, and ranked within the top 200,000 websites for both the USA and Germany.”  Or something like: “Hey!  What about my kitty ears, which are selling much sooner than I thought they would, my Mewtique has been open less than a month!  Have you seen my Imlive.com profile, where I am ranked as a veteran host?”  Or many other things, which I also cannot say.  I have to let my mother believe that Master is the one who works, and I make no money.  I have to keep secrets.  I have to be the “shame” of the family.

When it comes to going to doctor’s appointments, I have to keep quiet there, too.  Goodness knows how people react when they find out you have a job in the adult industry.  Oh, they’ll take your money alright, but they will look at you like you’ve got 9,000 heads the second they find out you’re getting undressed for the web.  So what do I do?  I tell them I do not work.  They look at me as if to ask how I could afford to do that.  “Oh,” I say “My husband makes enough money and I don’t need to work.  I just keep the house clean.”  Once I say that, they ask me why I’m not going back to school, or when I plan to, and how I shouldn’t rely on my husband for every little thing I need.  I let this roll off my back though, because I know I DO work, I know that I am successful at what I do, and I know that I would never be happy in an office job.  Not even a little.  I am happy doing what I do, I just think that it sucks that in order to make my parents proud, I’ve got to have a job where I would be unhappy, make less money, and not look forward to work every day.

The worst part of going to a medical appointment is that I do work.  I pay more taxes than most people I know, thanks to being an independent contractor.  I have to pay about 40% of my money to the government each year.  If my parents or family members do not want to be proud of me for doing well at what I do, I can understand that.  Having to pretend at family gatherings or at the doctor’s office that I don’t work at all is frustrating to me though.  Why can’t the adult industry as a whole be  accepted and maybe even respected?  Often, when I go home from these family gatherings where everyone is talking about how they recently accomplished this or that (while looking down on me the whole time) I am in a bit of a low mood.  Master always cheers me up, but I can’t help thinking that he should never have to.  Regardless of what I do, I should never be made to feel like I am not good enough for anyone.  I should not be told that it is time for me to move on and do something “worthwhile”.  I should not have to deal with people going on and on about how going to college will save me from this miserable life I lead. 

My life is not miserable, I truly enjoy the “work” that I do.  If you can call it work.  I always wonder if it is okay to call something you truly love work.  If there is one thing which I have learned from going to these gatherings in which I am looked down upon, it is not so much that these people want me to go to college to “better” myself.  Their intentions are more from a place of jealousy, though they would never admit it.  They are jealous that I have an job that I truly enjoy.  They are jealous that I make my own happiness, and that I  wake up every morning with a genuine enthusiasm for what I do.  Some people are stuck doing what makes others happy so that they won’t have to deal with the down sides of what makes them happy.  I would rather spend the rest of my life doing what makes me and Master happy, then to spend even a year doing what would make my family happy, but would make me miserable.

And honestly?  If being an adult entertainer is wrong, I do NOT want to be right.

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16 thoughts on “Secrets

  1. yus, be true to you.

    I know much about keeping secrets as i keep many myself. *HUGS*

    as long as one is happy with themselfs, thats a key.

  2. Good for you!
    I think socially the fear is that somehow if working in the adult industry becomes acceptable people think that children and women are going to be forced into it more or something like that. Maybe in another hundred years!
    As long as you and your Master are proud of you try not to care what they think. You’re respected by the people who understand what you do!

    • Thanks @Livi, for the most part, I don’t care. Going to gatherings though and having more than half the time be directed at why I need to change what I do for a living takes a (temporary) toll on me though, I think.

      Thanks for your insights. I had not thought of the “forced” aspect. Interesting to think about though. :)

  3. Well, we know how incredible you are and how amazing all of your accomplishments are. We are proud of you *hug*

  4. awww I admire what you do, I’ve thought about doing it myself but one of my biggest turn off’s is people watching me (beside someone touching my feet lol there senestive!) If it wasn’t for that one turn off I’d be doing it but unfortunitily it’s a big turn off. Though for some reason Master watching me isn’t a turn off anymore :) Keep doing what makes you happy, I’ve learnt that so long as your doing what makes you happy NOW, what other people say doesn’t matter. Most people don’t even get that far …

  5. I keep secrets too and it sucks. I think my Mom just thinks I’ve forgotten all the lessons about Feminism she tried to teach me and that I have no self-respect. *laughs*

    My family isn’t proud of me but I’m not proud of me so it doesn’t bother me much. I think it would feel downright awful if I was proud of myself and they weren’t. :(

    *hugs*

    So few people can say they love their work. I would agree that most people are probably jealous of your perceived freedom from responsibility. Or if they notice that you’re happy, that too.

    • *Huggles* Secrets suck. “Perceived freedom from responsibility”. That’s the thing! You hit the nail on the head. I have so much stuff to do that it is rediculous. I love it all, but I have plenty of responsibility, and it KILLS me when people insinuate to me being lazy. Ppppbbtt.

  6. This is a fantastic post. It made me feel a greater sense of ease and comfort, about how I’m having to do similar things. I tried to talk with my mom recently, and she kept harping on me about being unemployed, so I alluded to doing online work, and she called me a whore.
    The one who I’m on a considering basis with right now, knows what I do, likes it, encourages me to do what makes me happy and it feels fantastic to me. ^_^

    • Thanks @Feydreh

      Yeah, my mother thinks it is OK to do as long as I’m not meeting up with people in real life. *Laughs* She still doesn’t want details though (and I don’t blame her). I take the most shit from Master’s family, which is fine I guess, because they never liked me anyway.

  7. Yeah, this whole situation of keeping secrets sounds all too familiar to me.

    My immediate and external families, my church members, friends-of-family, etc., ALL continue to tell me that I need to do something that will “eventually benefit” me. Going to college. I have to just nod and act like I care while, all-in-all, I know college was NOT the way for me to go. I was NEVER good in education, and I know that, even if I tried, it’d be nothing but a struggle and a waste of my hard-earned money (I’m already in debt by 24k thanks to ONE student loan). I feel more accomplished working and writing my poetry and short stories than standing outside of a closed classroom for fifteen minutes just to learn the class has been cancelled. :

    And God forbid they ever found THAT out. I’d probably be ostracized from everyone within the state of Oklahoma.

    On a sidenote, I don’t think I’d make a very good adult entertainer. I can perform for Master, but other people…I’m too shy to do anything like that! Lol! xD

    • @SatuKitsuni

      Lol on your last statement. ;) It’s just something that I have found I love and want to do. Forever. :) It’s not for everyone, for sure. :)

      Your story is all too familiar to me, which is sad, I think. It is too bad we can’t be more open about who we are with certain people.