What I Expect Of Myself

Aligator Clamp

Yesterday I had an appointment for physical therapy, for my knee.  In order to get to physical therapy, I have to walk about a mile.  Normally this is not an issue and I walk it easily, in about ten minutes.  Since this past weekend we had a major snowstorm at least half of the path I need to walk was entirely covered in snow about 6″ deep.  This would still normally not be an issue for an appointment, but since physical therapy is so physical I need to be sure that I will arrive reasonably clean.  If I’m covered in snow, I’ll be covered the whole hour I’m there.  Not only would that be no fun, but I’d come home covered in gunk.  Not only that, but Master didn’t really think it was safe for me to walk a half mile on a sheet of ice.  Because of this, Master decided he was going to swing by on his lunch break, pick me up, and drive me the five minutes down the road to get there.  I’d have to walk home though which was no problem because when I got home I’d be able to change.

The day before, Master told be to be ready by 1:45 for him to come pick me up.  I ate my lunch, got dressed, and was using the bathroom around 1:40.  According to my calculations, I had five minutes before I had to be ready for Master to call me at 1:45 to tell me to be outside.  Of course, the phone rings.  Not only does the phone ring, but I’m on the toilet and the cordless phone is not nearby.  I panick.  I finish up in the bathroom and grab my keys, my co-pay, my ITouch and run outside.  Master is not there.  I run back inside and call him back on the phone (Which I admit I probably should have done first.  See: Panick). 

He tells me that he is going to be a bit late, and he didn’t want me to panick.  (Facepalm).  I relax and apologized for not being ready on time.  Master countered with:

“But you WERE ready on time.  I told you to be ready at 1:45, and you were.”

The thing is, when I was a little girl, I had to be ready when my Dad was ready.  If he told me he was going to pick me up at noon, and I ran across the street at 11:30 to pick up a drink or something and he showed up at 11:35, I would get yelled at for not being ready when my Dad was there to get me.  Was that fair?  Well, life wasn’t fair.  This has happened to me enough times that I literally panick and get all bent out of kilter if I think I am not pleasing Master somehow, even if I am

The thing is, Master and me have been together for a long time, and I still panick when something like this happens.  My whole life has been about power struggles.  My parents were pretty cruel for a lot of my childhood.  This isn’t a post about me whinging about my parents though.  It seems like everyone had a terrible childhood anyway.  There were a lot of things which, growing up, people tell me were not fair and should never have happened to me.  I am glad they did though.  I am glad that I had the chance to experience those things which (fair or not) made me into the person I am today.

My life is no longer really about power struggles.  It is about giving my power away, not having it taken by being too young to fight back.  I give it to Master, because I love him.  I try to be the best person I can be (and I do not just mean in a sexual sense, but that is absolutely included.)  Logically, I know I did a good job, and was Master’s good kitty. 

Old habits certainly do die hard though.

6 thoughts on “What I Expect Of Myself

  1. This brought tears to my eyes. While the details weren’t familiar there was something about this post that is all too familiar.

    You said that you logically know that you did a good job and that you are your Master’s Good Kitty. I sincerely hope that you’re not like me because even when i logically know it I don’t ‘feel’ it.

  2. Great post. Is the picture at the top what I think it is? It looks very painful!

  3. awww sweety *cuddles* You need to keep telling yourself that you are a good kitty. It’s obvious that you go out of your way to make Master’s life easier and happier and you obviously make him very happy.
    Try to give yourself a break *smooch* ;)