I Cried This Morning

More than once, actually.  Despite past posts, it is actually pretty hard to make me cry.  Sex is the biggest cause in general, (intense sensations, really, as mentioned in said post), and I’m not one who typically cries on the spot even for things like bad news, no matter how bad.  Master has been down and out with his back injury since Wednesday, and since then I’ve been the one who has had to do everything.

It’s not the little things like cleaning and cooking that have me so stressed.  I like being able to help and do chores.  Master has just been completely incapacitated for the past four days.  I’ve had to help him stand, walk, go up and down stairs, and much more.  I’ve had to do chores which are not usually my “job”.  There are some things that Master does, because he calls them “boy chores”.  Boy chores are those things which he has decided are not meant for a “lady” to do.  I always thought that he was being a bit silly, but my own father has the same opinion, so I don’t question it.  I grew up with that sort of thing.

The truth is that those “boy chores” need doing no matter whether or not Master is sick.  I’ve hurt myself more than once doing them recently.  They require a lot more strength than I have, it seems.  Master thinks it’s “cute” when I can’t do something because I’m too “weak”.  I don’t though.  And when he can’t help me do something that I can’t do – it makes me feel like even more of a failure.  As a perfectionist, the thing which hurts the most is when I fail at something, especially when it is something for Master.  Day one wasn’t so bad.  I was glad to be able to help.  As the days go on though, I’m getting less and less sleep and I’m making more and more errors at things which I normally wouldn’t.  It’s embarrassing, and frustrating beyond belief.

I’ve also had to completely tackle my fear of driving.  Master can’t drive right now, that’s obvious.  I’ve had to drive him to the eye doctor this morning, and to the hot tub a few times.  (Thankfully the hot tub is one thing which has been really, really helpful to restoring Master’s back).  I’ve gotten in the car and just driven without verbal complaint, but through tears a couple of times.  Having to face something so scary to me without being able to ease into it, on top of failing over and over again and seeing Master in so much pain, which I cannot do anything about – is just killing me.

I do want to say thank you to all my readers, and online friends.  All of your suggestions to help Master’s back are really helping.  Slowly, he is getting better.  He says the only place his back doesn’t hurt at all right now is in the hot tub, and he seems to have more movement when he gets out of the hot tub for a little bit.  He is getting better at walking and moving around, though he is taking longer than he usually does.  Today he was even puttering around the house a bit, though not doing anything really, of course.  Mostly, thank you all for letting me vent, and being so supportive.  I am eternally grateful to you all. <3

14 thoughts on “I Cried This Morning

  1. MomoNoHanna says:

    Glad to hear he is moving a bit more. If it doesn’t hurt him you should try a gentle back massage with some oil. I like coconut oil and olive oil. Or you could try a creame and maybe even in the hot tub a massage could help. And if you heat the oil up just a little bit to luke warm the heat will help also. But the best thing to do is to rest and try not to use the muscle as much. However a little movement will help recovery. My Dad is going through this at the moment with his neck muscle and these things help alot. They also help when I did my back muscle. Hope things get better soon and your such a good kitty!

    • Thanks @MomoNoHanna I tried giving him a massage the first and second day, but it was too much for him to bear, even when I was barely touching him. He says he is hoping that I can give him one in the next day or two though. :) Here is hoping.

  2. Oh huni, you are NOT failing. Not at all. You are doing amazingly. Please try and give yourself a break, putting all this extra stress on yourself is doing you no good at all.
    You are a wonderful wife, taking care of your husband, looking after him and supporting him.
    You are an amazing slave, doing all your chores AND all the others that need doing too.
    You are an amazing kitty girl, doing your cam work and making kitty ears and making your Master so happy and proud.
    And you are an incredible woman. You do more than most of the other women I know put together, Now bloody listen to me and accept how amazing you really are!
    Love you lots sweety *hugs* hang in there because you’re doing a better job than you realise

    • @Livi Thank you so much, Sweetie. I cried reading your comment. I guess that I’m good at crying lately. ;) That was so sweet and heartfelt. <3 Thank you so much. *Huge hugs* Love you tons too. =^.^=

  3. Lovely,

    I’m so sorry for your stress. That feeling of helplessness is not failure. You damn well know you aren’t one and it makes me sad that someone I hold in such high regard would have doubts. Make them fleeting, doll. Believe in what the rest of us know.

    Taking on challenges is admirable. Facing your fears with driving is a fire that you will come out of, stronger than before. Having to see your Master in pain is terrible, and you cannot fix that–but you are stepping up to the challenge of what you can.

    And we love you in the meantime. :) Take heart!

  4. I think you ate dong a great job. Thank you for taking such good care of me while I’ve been out of service. I won’t rehash all the comments everyone else has posted except to say they are spot on.

    I love you more and more each day we are together. You really are the best thing that ever happened to me.

  5. *offers a hug*
    i can relate to this a lot.
    When my Master gets sick I have to do everything. it’s hard and I’m not good at it. (I can’t do the driving so that’s not part of it but i wish I could.) Usually all he has me do is get out of his way and go ‘look cute’ somewhere. Normally I’m utterly useless so when I need to be useful it’s confusing and hard.
    It’s so hard to be put in a situation like this. You’re doing it. Yeah, you’ve cried but no one has gone without food or medicine and the apartment hasn’t burnt down. Those may seem like some horribly low standards but as my Master reminds me I have to give myself credit for meeting those standards.
    *hugs* having to face something that’s terrifying without any prep is awful. I’m so glad that your Master has ben in the car with you.
    it’s also hard being relatively new to the area so you don’t have many people you can call to ask for help.
    I tend to be perfectionist too. No ideas on how to change that other than get really really sick and I wouldn’t wish that on an enemy so I really wouldn’t wish it on you.
    I’m so glad to hear that he’s gradually getting better. Take good care of yourself. I know you’re taking good care of him :)

    • @Lada *Major hugs to you* Thank you for being so awesome. You always know just what to say to cheer me up. Thank you for pointing out that we’re doing better than I think. Sometimes I guess it is hard to step back and look at the things which are going well. *more hugs*

  6. I just found your blog out of the blue. I have so far only read this entry but hold your head up. I know these days seem the toughest but life always has a way of working itself out. My Master and I were in a horrible car accident a month ago and both of us are pretty battered. Master has the worse end of the stick. As the car was flipped he turned his entire body to face me as he was yelling “I got you, I got you!” until the car stopped rolling over. He now has a torn shoulder muscle, loss of feeling in his hand and fingers and a messed up wrist. On top of that he lost his job from the amount of time he had to be out of work. Its tough as hell. I have now assumed responsibility as the ‘bread winner’ and im doing things that I never thought I would do in a million years. Things can ONLY look up from here. Promise.

    • @Sam Wow. That sounds so hard, I feel for you. :( Your Master is so brave to protect you like that while you were being flipped. :( That must have been completely terrifying. Thank you so much for your well wishes. I am crossing my fingers for you that you both are doing much better soon. ::hugs::

  7. Jessica Elizabeth says:

    I don’t know if it’s muscle pain or what, but something that often helps my and D’s pain (both very different types of pain, muscle; joint; injury; chronic pain condition pain, etc) is Tiger Balm. Dunno if you’ve heard of it but I love it! It smells nommy and works wonders! It comes in a little glass pot, you can get it at pretty much any store that carries things like BenGay and even at some health food stores. Maybe that’s something that can help with pain so he can move at least a bit.

    *lots of hugs* you’re wonderful babydoll; don’t be so hard on yourself! *tugs ear*

    • Thanks @Jessica Elizabeth

      It’s funny, at the time when this happened, Master asked me if we had any Tiger Balm, and we didn’t. That’s a great idea though, I think we’ll probably head out a bit later and try to pick some up. :)