More than once, actually. Despite past posts, it is actually pretty hard to make me cry. Sex is the biggest cause in general, (intense sensations, really, as mentioned in said post), and I’m not one who typically cries on the spot even for things like bad news, no matter how bad. Master has been down and out with his back injury since Wednesday, and since then I’ve been the one who has had to do everything.
It’s not the little things like cleaning and cooking that have me so stressed. I like being able to help and do chores. Master has just been completely incapacitated for the past four days. I’ve had to help him stand, walk, go up and down stairs, and much more. I’ve had to do chores which are not usually my “job”. There are some things that Master does, because he calls them “boy chores”. Boy chores are those things which he has decided are not meant for a “lady” to do. I always thought that he was being a bit silly, but my own father has the same opinion, so I don’t question it. I grew up with that sort of thing.
The truth is that those “boy chores” need doing no matter whether or not Master is sick. I’ve hurt myself more than once doing them recently. They require a lot more strength than I have, it seems. Master thinks it’s “cute” when I can’t do something because I’m too “weak”. I don’t though. And when he can’t help me do something that I can’t do – it makes me feel like even more of a failure. As a perfectionist, the thing which hurts the most is when I fail at something, especially when it is something for Master. Day one wasn’t so bad. I was glad to be able to help. As the days go on though, I’m getting less and less sleep and I’m making more and more errors at things which I normally wouldn’t. It’s embarrassing, and frustrating beyond belief.
I’ve also had to completely tackle my fear of driving. Master can’t drive right now, that’s obvious. I’ve had to drive him to the eye doctor this morning, and to the hot tub a few times. (Thankfully the hot tub is one thing which has been really, really helpful to restoring Master’s back). I’ve gotten in the car and just driven without verbal complaint, but through tears a couple of times. Having to face something so scary to me without being able to ease into it, on top of failing over and over again and seeing Master in so much pain, which I cannot do anything about – is just killing me.
I do want to say thank you to all my readers, and online friends. All of your suggestions to help Master’s back are really helping. Slowly, he is getting better. He says the only place his back doesn’t hurt at all right now is in the hot tub, and he seems to have more movement when he gets out of the hot tub for a little bit. He is getting better at walking and moving around, though he is taking longer than he usually does. Today he was even puttering around the house a bit, though not doing anything really, of course. Mostly, thank you all for letting me vent, and being so supportive. I am eternally grateful to you all. <3