..In no particular order.
- It is perfectly acceptable to nap at any point, and you don’t need a reason. Should you feel the urge, any time can be nap time. Simply find a cozy spot and close your sleepy little eyes.
- If you see toes wiggle – pounce and bite them! Your Master really wants you to. This encourages good mouser techniques and should your hunting skills be required one day, he will lavish you with tummy rubbies and kisses.
- Be sure to insist to any “real” kitties in your home that they are just “fake” kitties, and pretending. Let them know you are the real kitty in the house by pushing them out of any cozy spot that they have taken from you. Fair is fair.
- If Master takes the vacuum out, it’s OK to jump around inconsolably and hiss at it. It is a monster! Attack!
- You’re a kitty. You do not get utensils. You also do not get to be on the furniture.
- Good news though! You get a massive pile of blankets to “nest” in. Be sure to ignore this “nest” despite all the effort your Master goes through to ensure its comfy-ness. Confuse him by napping in the middle of the kitchen floor instead. He likes this, no matter what he says. Trust me.
- If your Master is on the computer, it is important for you to crawl into his lap, and then actually sit or sleep on said computer. Do not worry about weight limits. You’re just a kitty. There’s no way you could crush a computer.
- If your Master tries to push you off the computer, stay still and do not budge. Insist that this is your new napping place.
- If you are hungry, your best bet is to crawl over to your Master, mew, and then gently bite down on his leg somewhere. Don’t use actual teeth. You’re trying to show you’re hungry, not actually eat him.
- When Master puts your ears on, you are a kitty. Kitties have no thumbs. If you can’t open something, carry it in your teeth to him. You have no thumbs.
- If Master walks away from his food, even for a split second, it is perfectly acceptable to jump up on the table and start eating it. Remember, if he walks away, he doesn’t want it.
- If you see a bird, chase it. It doesn’t matter if it is bigger than you, if it’s far away, if you’re not hungry, if it is a small bird, if the wind is blowing east. However, if Master himself points out the bird, ignore it.
- If you’re in heat, walk over to Master where he is sitting and rub your pussy in his face. Then start yowling at the top of your lungs. He will get the message, and either fuck you, or beat you – calling you a bad kitty. Either way you win.
- When you feel like playing games, go bring one of your kitty toys to Master in your teeth. He will think this is cute, and at the very least, he will give you tummy rubbies.
- If Master is asleep, it’s important to get a good run-and-jump onto his belly. He’ll wake up in total shock, and, if you haven’t given him a heart attack, start purring and kissing his chest. He’ll warm up to you.
- When Master is playing video games or watching TV, it is totally acceptable to crawl over to the entertainment center and rest your paws on it, so that your head is in the way. Just… Watch out for the spray bottle of water.
- It’s important to scope out any environment you enter. Find all the places you can fit. Can you fit in the dryer? Under the sink? In the back of the closet? Under the desk? Under the bed? Be creative. Hide in one of these, and wait for the opportune moment before P-O-U-N-C-I-N-G Master. Red Vinyl Kitty Tip: If you share the house with other kitties, watch where they go. Save your best spot for frustrating Master.
- Kitties eat on the floor. Everything tastes better off of Master’s plate. Conundrum. Solution! Knock things off of Master’s plate onto the floor. Bonus: Masters will not want to eat any food that was on the floor, making it yours.
- Plush mice are just slow, dumb, practise targets.
- Real kitties bite their Master when he isn’t looking. This reminds Master to pay attention.
- They also sneak treats from the fridge. If Master catches you, just look up at him with big, wide eyes and say “Mew?” Obviously, you couldn’t have gotten this treat for yourself, you have no thumbs. Red Vinyl Kitty Tip: Since kitties have no thumbs, you can’t unwrap any food. You have to chew it loudly through the wrapper.
- If your Master leaves you alone in a room where there are presents for you (say, around Christmas or your birthday) then it is perfectly acceptable to try to get them open with your teeth. Do it quickly though, because the sound of wrapping paper will likely rouse Master from the other room he is in. Red Vinyl Kitty Tip: Watch out for the water squirt bottle!
- If Master tells you to “help” with anything, just make sure to get in the way a lot. For example, if he wants you to help make the bed, crawl up on the bed, and nap. See #1. Red Vinyl Kitty Tip: Master will likely cover your head with blankets. This may panick you. To counter this, be sure to bite him the minute you are free of the blankets.
And lastly, if your Master removes your kitty ears for any reason whatsoever, you are a slave again. It is time to get down to business. Red Vinyl Kitty Tip: The fact that you can’t be a kitty doesn’t mean you’re not still required to meow and purr all the time.
Disclaimer: This list was written for entertainment purposes only, and the scenarios above do not in any way mean that this way is the only way. I hope you had a couple of laughs, because this was very fun to write!