Thanks in part to a side effect from my birth control, I’m wide awake at 4:47AM. Thank YOU, Insomnia Fairy. I went to bed around 8, sheerly exhausted, and of course – I have just tossed and turned completely incapable of sleeping. I finally got out of bed since laying around was just annoying me. Watching the numbers tick on the clock is no fun at all. I don’t know that it’ll help or hinder me, but I’m going to just blog right now. I’m just going to let the words tumble out of my head and hopefully alieviate some of the worry I’ve had during tonight’s particular tossing and turning.
After Samantha passed away a few months ago, I was completely devastated. I’ve lost many people in my life, and lots of animals too. There really are too many to list. The ones who have affected me the most though, were my Uncle David, and Samantha. I’ve always been, and always will be a little eccentric. My uncle was one of those precious few people in my childhood who really supported me and everything I was. He was so proud of my writing (right before he passed on, I would write plays that I directed and put on for the school I attended), he coached me on my Math (something I’ve never enjoyed), and he just listened to me when I needed someone to. He was also just an incredibly silly man. I remember one time for Christmas, he wrapped up a potato to give me. Of course, that wasn’t my real present. It was just a joke, but his sense of humor really was similar to mine. He died incredibly suddenly of a heart attack; no one expected it. I was eight. To this day, I still cry when I think of my uncle, and how devastated I was and still am by his passing. It is so hard to find people in life who are that special, and who just love you unconditionally. Completely unconditionally.
Samantha, as you all know, was our baby. I really could just write on and on about how special she was to me, but you could also just read about it here. I don’t think I could say it better. Samantha’s birthday was October 31st, and I find myself missing her a lot more the past couple of weeks than I have been. It isn’t that I had stopped mourning, but, somehow I had found a way to make it without crying so much whenever I thought of her. I wake in the night, and reach towards my pillow to scratch her ears, and a tear comes to my eyes when I realize that she isn’t actually there. Out of the corner of my eyes, I swear I see her – but then when I turn to look, I realize it is just a pair of fuzzy mittens or a tortie-colored blanket.
Samantha, as everyone who knows me knows, was never a cat to me. She was a member of the family, just mute, and very furry. We treated her like a baby. We even always celebrated her birthday with cake, cheese (Samantha’s favorite!) and presents. I would absolutely be lying if I said that I wasn’t having an incredibly difficult time grieving for Sammie.
Yesterday, Master and me went out to eat. We usually go out to eat once per week. It is relaxing, and fun to not have to do any dishes. We went to a Chinese place that we recently discovered and we absolutely love. I have no idea how it came up, or what happened, but of course I started crying. Just tears streaming down my face, as I told Master how badly I missed Samantha, and how badly I wanted another cat. He told me he could tell, and he’s been seriously thinking of buying me one for X-Mas. He had already told me that a few weeks ago though, and we both felt that waiting until we returned from vacation (so we wouldn’t leave a kitten or a cat, depending, alone for 8 days while we visit back east was the most reasonable thing to do.
Of course, life never happens when it’s reasonable or convenient. When the time is right, the time is right, and Master thinks the time for me to have a new kitty is now. I do very badly want a new kitty. I don’t think that she (Master doesn’t want a male cat) will ever replace, and I don’t want to replace anyway. I just want something to lavish love and attention on, besides Master of course. I want a new member of the family who I can love and who will love me back. I want to feel whole, and I honestly do not without my own little pet. Sabrina is a nice cat, but we never bonded, and never will. She is Master’s through and through.
Truth be told, I do have Master, so why isn’t that enough for me? It is, it absolutely is – but a lot of people (I think, Master included) don’t realize exactly how much alone time I spend. I, happily, work from home, but this does make me feel awefully lonely a lot of the time. Master is gone long hours, and I completely understand and would never want to stop him from going to work when he needs to, but I cannot help the hole I feel in my heart. Master bought me Henry VI, and I love Henry, but he just isn’t the same as having a cat. He swims, he’s gorgeous and intelligent and so awesome.. But he won’t snuggle me or play or do anything that a cat could do. I don’t blame him, he’s a fish.
At dinner, Master and me talked about a lot of things pertaining to Samantha, and a new kitty. We’re planning on going to the local shelter in a couple of hours to get a new cat. We aren’t quite sure if we’ll find “the one”, or if the cat will be an adult or a kitten. Master’s preference is a female kitten, I don’t care the breed, sex, age – none of it matters to me. I could love any cat, but Master’s desires when it comes to a cat are incredibly important to me, so of course no cat that he doesn’t want will step foot in the house. (Not that it’s ultimately up to me.) However, Master did tell me that he wants this cat to be mine. I can name it, it’ll be both of ours technically, but if anything should ever happen between us, the kitty will always belong to me.
I’m excited to have a new friend, but there is a niggling little part of me who feels like this is wrong and that I should not have another cat. There is a part of me deep down that thinks if Samantha were alive, she would be upset that three months after her passing I got another kitty. I somehow wonder how respectful to Samantha this is. I feel almost like I’m cheating on her. Master told me I shouldn’t feel that way. He said Samantha wouldn’t want me to be lonely, and that she would not want me to be without a friend. I know deep in my heart that whether or not we get a kitty in a few hours, that I will mourn Samantha for a long time, perhaps until I die. I don’t think it’s ever going to get easier being without her, and punishing myself by not allowing myself to have a cat is just not reasonable. Still, my heart and brain never seem to share the same sentiments.
So that’s it. In a couple of hours, Master and me will be on the way to the shelter. Is this the best time to add a new cat into our lives? No. But, as Master pointed out to me, that doesn’t matter. We will find a way to make the vacation without the kitty work. Life never ever waits for things to be completely ready. If we find the one today, we find the one. In Colorado, cats outnumber people in over 100 municipalites. Master says he is ready to help rescue one of them, with me, and he looks forward to having our first cat that we both raised together.
I said to Master yesterday that I wonder if people who want/have children wanted them as badly as I want a cat right now. I bet the feelings are the same, and I think I understand it now. That desparate desire to raise, love, and care for something else. It’s just for me, I’ve never wanted to be a Mother in the traditional sense. I think I’ll stick with furbabies, but at least now I can understand the sentiment. I never could before.