A while back I wrote about how I’ve become comfortable crying during play sessions. I thought that was true, but it turns out, I may still have some trouble with it after all.
The dungeon is still not set up, so we’ve been grabbing a Liberator Throe for the most part and just putting it on the floor of the living room. Master usually grabs what toys he wants, if any, and just brings them in there with us. It’s a lot less spontanious than the dungeon usually allows, but once we get the dungeon set up, it’ll be a lot easier.
We were having a grand old time. He bare-handed spanked me while I leaned over the couch. He fingered my g-spot. My tits were beaten, my nipples pinched. I was scratched and teased. He put his cock in front of me for me to suck. At one point, he had me lay down on the throe, and he put Alistair on a pillow so that he was just touching my clit and kept playing with my tits.
At this point, I was wearing a pink and black lace see-through nightie. He had pulled down the straps from one of my breasts so he had easy access to my nipple. He seemed to be going back and fourth about whether or not he wanted access to my other nipple. I said:
“Do you want me to just move this strap, Master?”
“Yes!” He said enthusiastically, while he removed the strap himself. “I want you to move that strap so I can do THIS!”
Suddenly he pinched my nipple extremely hard. I cried. I couldn’t help it. Since Master isn’t a sadist, he backed away from my nipple and apologized. He doesn’t like it when I’m in pain and not enjoying it, and I couldn’t breathe well enough to tell him I was enjoying it. I didn’t want to top from the bottom, so I just said I was OK. But, inside my head I was screaming:
“Can we please continue?!”
I know he was worried not because of the tears, but because of the way I reacted to the tears. I had unconsciously picked up my arm and put the crook of my elbow over my eyes. I do not know why, but I didn’t want him to see me cry. The tears that came out were very hard for me to control, and likely were not just because of the pain (which subsided pretty quickly) but were also the result of an emotional release from all the turmoil we’ve been dealing with regarding moving and our families.
The pain itself was not so much that I didn’t want to continue, or that I was turned off – and I just couldn’t communicate that to Master, because my tears were too rapid, and my breaths coming in gasps. I’ve cried to that point many times before, but it’s usually something we both expect. Generally, I don’t tend to cry over nipple pinches or nipple play. I tend to cry when I’m being beaten with an implement, or when I’m getting heavy g-spot stimulation. Usually, tears are expected when we bring out a whip or a crop or the cane. Also usually, I am face down during these sessions. Or, facing away.
I hadn’t thought of this until our session the other night, but it occurred to me that I probably covered my face because it is rare that I get hurt until I cry from the front. Usually, I can tuck my head into the sheets or lower my head, or do whatever it is to sort of “maintain dignity” while I’m crying.
Crying still turns me on, and I’m still glad I can do it during a session for the most part without feeling ashamed. It looks like I have some more to work on though.