Creating Calm

Breakfast: 1 protein (peanut butter), 1 carb (slice of whole wheat toast), 1 fruit (fresh coconut slice), a cup of tea (water, lemons, tea leaves).

It’s been pointed out to me before that I don’t do much to take time for myself.  The problem is that, for better or for worse, I’m one of those people with really high expectations of myself.  It is something I have battled for a long time.  Especially when I am home alone.  Like it or not, Master leaves the house for about nine hours per day, five (or sometimes more) days per week.  I totally understand that, and I also understand another thing: when Master is gone, it is up to me to prove that I can keep his home in order until he gets back.

Sounds reasonable, right?  Well, it had been over five months since I had really been able to do as much around the house as I wanted, due to various injuries and illnesses.  I won’t go into them.  Still, now that I am back at work, I find myself getting caught up in the frustration of never being caught up on anything.  I know that Master does not expect me to get chores done during the day while I am working (though, if I get breaks here and there I usually do a little cleaning).  He tells me all the time:

“Don’t worry Kitty!  I know you’re doing your best.”

My best is never good enough to me though, as stated above.  The house is in a bit of disarray because of my little extended DomestiKitty break, and now that I am mobile every little thing I see I want to clean, straighten, organize, or otherwise meddle with.  It is getting to the point that over the last couple of weeks I don’t really take any down time at all.  Some days I genuinely do not eat until Master gets home.  And even then, as soon as dinner is over I continue my cleaning until Master wants to play, and as soon as I’m done I go back to work.  Master himself has offered me some Xbox time, but I just can’t seem to play.  I start feeling guilty about all the things around the house which need doing.

I actually have a meal plan.  Not a meal plan designed to help me lose weight, nope, this one is designed to help me maintain my weight.  I saw a nutritionist a while back because I know that I don’t get enough food most of the time.  When Master’s home, I’m fine.  But, I’ve never been good at eating when I’m alone, or eating when things need to get done.  Put them together and you have a recipe for disaster.

Master decided recently that he wanted me to try to follow my meal plan again, when he’s not home.  Makes perfect sense.  I’m really good at following plans, and I’m not eating a lot lately.  Of my own accord I also decided that when I eat breakfast or lunch that I’m going to turn off all computers and electronic devices, or at least leave them in another room.  I set up the small table in the front room (basically, cleaning it off and just adding in a pig), and I’m trying to take those mealtimes as quiet contemplation times.  I’ve learned a couple of things:

1:  That it is much harder to sit quietly with absolutely no distractions and just eat than I thought it was.

2: I really, really hate to eat alone.

I’ve never been good at leaving well enough alone though, so I’m going to try to keep this up even if Master tells me he thinks I’m back on track eating enough again and I can go off my meal plan.  The fact that it’s so hard to eat alone, quietly, is amazing to me.  For one thing, it shows how addicting the Internet is to me.  It bugs me that I don’t want to be without my computer for twenty or thirty minutes while I eat.  I can use any kinds of excuses that I want:

Twitter is fun to read because I like seeing what Master’s up to.

I like my computer so I can watch YouTube videos or read blogs while I eat.

The computer makes me feel less alone.

All may be true, but none of them are (to me) acceptable.  I didn’t even have access to the Internet until I was fourteen or fifteen.  My parents didn’t get cable until even later than that.  We didn’t have an answering machine until I was in high school either.  My parents just never kept up on technology.  Now we’re at the point that I can’t eat without it being around.  It’s just interesting to me how I’ve changed in both good and bad ways over the years.  Maybe I’m not good at eating alone or silently right now, but I am going to try harder.  Hell, at least I’m eating.

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