Inside My Head

I’ve blogged before about how I don’t like to ask Master for things.  Of course there are always things I want or need, but asking for them usually feels so criminal to me for lots of reasons.  Sometimes though, my want or need of something will overcome my inner desire to stay quiet and not be a greedy little fucker.  Actually, this happened to me at a store recently, and I decided I wanted to write about it.

Honestly, while I am a very highly functional person for some of the medical problems I have, I have days where I’m more ill than others.  A few days prior to this particular incident, I have been fainting or near fainting a lot (which is due to my low blood pressure, most likely).  I’d been doing all the right things: bulking up on salt and fluids, etc, but I still couldn’t shake the fainting.  We were out at the grocery store, and I was doing my best to be a good kitty.  I was feeling a bit faint, and I was just trying to tolerate it.  Having no fluids with me, I thought in my head desperately “I just need something to drink!  Maybe Master will let me have a can of that tea I like.”  I stood there for a couple minutes, telling my inner mind to shut up, while I was feeling more and more like I was going to pass out.

Master noticed my discomfort, and asked me if I felt OK.  I wound up blurting out:

“Can I please have..  Nevermind.  I’m sorry.”  Sometimes my brain goes against everything I tell it, and then I feel embarrassed and flustered that I had the gall to ask for something.

And Master, in his awesomeness says:

“Whatever you need, ‘Yes’.  It’s fine, kitty.  Tell Master.”

And I blurted out that I just was wondering if maybe I could have a can of tea (my favorite brand, etc), and he said “Of course”, and gave me a hug and told me not to be afraid to ask for something if I needed it.

I completely and totally know that a $.99 can of tea isn’t breaking the bank, or asking for something outlandish and fancy.  Still, my brain always tells me not to be selfish, and it is so hard to speak up.  For me, there’s another part of me that is afraid to hear a “No.”  Of course that’s happened to me before, and it can always happen, and I’m not going to die if he says (or someone else says) no..  But it’s so hard to ask for even a basic want or need (like the tea), that when it gets rejected it’s usually so disappointing.  I know that he absolutely has every right to say no, and when that happens, I don’t whine about it.  But, it always makes me triple think over the things I ask for, and try to never ask for anything superfluous.

It’s also hard for me, because sometimes when another Dom plays with me, they will taunt me into admitting something is wrong (like, my neck is about to go apeshit and tighten up super hella fast on me, or I feel like I’ll faint), and then when I finally answer, they just tell me “What?” in an obnoxious “I don’t care,” kind of way.  It’s hard to describe online, but, I typically don’t say something is wrong unless it’s going to lead to something tragic soon (neck sprain, can’t feel a body part, my heart is skipping beats, etc).  And, when they weedle it out of me, and I completely admit something is really actually wrong at that point in time, and then they admit they don’t give a fuck, and it’s another of those things that cements in my mind that I shouldn’t speak up.  I know that’s not true, and Master has never pulled manipulative crap on me like that, but it still fucks with your mind.  >.<  Not that what happens with others should affect how I behave around Master (and, for the record, when people pull shit like that on me, Master doesn’t generally let me play with them again.  Especially if he is there to witness it.), but sometimes shame from admitting something leads me to feel like I shouldn’t tell anyone.  No matter how wrong that is.

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4 thoughts on “Inside My Head

  1. I just wanted to comment and offer my support- I know that feeling, and it’s hard to shake.

  2. Lada MacManus says:

    Empathy. Big Time.
    Also, a few ideas.
    I had want vs need drilled into me as a kid. No fun but useful. Seems like sometmes you get muddled up the way I do when they cross over.
    So, Master knows that I know the difference. I’m always allowed, and encouraged, to mention actual needs. How they get met is up to Madter. So I can say “I need something to drink” and then Master will ask what I want or just get me whatever he wants me to have. Would something like that help you?
    An extension of this is Master knows when I say “I need to go home” or what not that I’m serious and the evil illness dictator has spoken.
    For pure wants, like a new Eeyore or Borderlands 2, I’ve thought of making a weighted list that Master can refeer to when he wants to reward or surprise me. Just making it seems scary tho.

    • @Lada MacManus All good points! :) When it comes to things I want that I don’t need, well, I do have a wishlist for that, and Master knows some things I daydream about but definitely don’t need. I definitely need to get through my problem with asking for things I DO need. It’s hard for sure.