Every Unpleasant Circumstance

DSCF2020Master has been working a LOT of hours ever since October, and while that has come to an end, it has definitely been a source of frustration for us both. We’ve missed each other, we’ve been tired, we just wanted life to go back to “normal”.  Thankfully, it has.

Still, I have learned a very important skill, and if it wasn’t for Master having to work so many hours, I don’t think I would ever have learned it. All my life, people have always told me things like “You have to take breaks,” and “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” I would hear these things, but I just couldn’t apply them. There is this part of me which always feels guilty about being idle. In fact, the only way I am able to relax sometimes is to play video games. If I’m playing video games, I’m not really doing anything productive obviously, but, the immersive environments convince my brain that I am somehow. Hell, even when it’s summer time and Master and me are relaxing on the porch, I’m almost always seen with a coloring book, or a regular book, or just something in my hands. I just can’t make myself be completely utterly lazy.

The last move Master and me managed involved me doing 95% of the packing (not a complaint, that’s how our dynamic is, and that is 10,000% okay with me), and, again – I had the same problem. Master and me have a lot of stuff, and I would get so caught up in getting all the things packed and put away that the only breaks I would let myself have were to take showers and to eat. No “rest” breaks. It was exhausting, but we made it here just fine.

When Master’s hours started to get crazy, I had it in my head that I would work during the day, and when I was done I would just do chores until Master came home. Master was okay with this. He did not, however, think that I was going to power through the day and not take any breaks. Who does that? Me. Only, no one is ever around to see it.

That plan worked out great for the first couple of weeks. Master was pleased when he came home at night, and I was pleased that I had pleased him. All was good. But then, I started to get really, really tired. It was clear that I couldn’t handle that schedule. I talked to Master about it, and we had decided that after 8PM it was going to be “quiet time.” I could do anything I wanted during “quiet time”, except for chores, cam, or sewing.

This was very, very difficult for me. I started to feel guilty because a couple of the chores would pile up. I mean, everything for the most part was where it belonged, but there would be some clothes which were clean but not folded, or a small pile of dishes by the sink, or a trash can that needed emptying. It took me a long time to realize this, but, there simply isn’t enough time to get everything in the day done, and still be able to function.

I hated this new realization. “I had always done it before!” I pointed out to myself. “I’ve never had so many things sitting around not getting done. I have never been so ashamed of _____ _____ _____ pile sitting out. There has to be another way!

But there isn’t another way. There just isn’t. I am only one person.

Somewhere along the line, I picked up a new trick. Master said quiet time was after 8, so quiet time was after 8, and that was fine. But, as soon as I realized that I truly could not keep the house spotless, while being able to maintain the other things Master wants me to do, I realized “Well, I’m exhausted now, so, I may as well take a break, and I can get back to the chores, ______ or ______ in an hour, or twenty minutes, or whenever I start feeling more energetic.

The first few times I started to take breaks, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt like I was going to be sent to “detention” or something. I know that sounds silly, but that’s how I felt. And, nowadays, I’m learning that it’s okay to take an hour to rest, and then come back to the activity I was working on. Not only that, but I am now getting a lot more done. When I first started to take breaks, I was worried that I would use them as an excuse to be lazy, but honestly – resting when I need to has made me accomplish more than I used to during the day.

I just keep telling myself “There isn’t enough time to do it all.” And I relax; taking ten minutes here and there is okay. Master was shocked when he found out that I hadn’t learned this skill before now. I’m twenty eight, for goodness sakes. Yeah, well, I didn’t grow up learning that. I grew up learning not to rest and not to take breaks, and no one ever told me differently, probably because they thought that I already knew.

Much to my enjoyment, taking these rest breaks has not made me lazier. It hasn’t turned me into a “couch potato”. I don’t play video games or lay around drawing for days on end. This is awesome, and I wish I had discovered it earlier in life. So many people tell me they wish they had figured out their sexuality early in life. I was very lucky to have that all figured out at a young age – but these little things that are easy for so many, are not always easy for me. Hey, I’ll get there.

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