My Reality

It has been incredibly hard over the last few months, and I feel like I need to vent. I know I have talked about the anemia and the POTS, and other health problems, but I have been trying not to whine too much on purpose.  Sometimes you just need to get it all out, and that’s what I need to do right now.  Every day of my life over the past couple of months has been incredibly hard for me.  Some days are worse than others, as are some weeks.  I feel frustrated and largely alone dealing with all this. Master Pravus is an amazing guy, but he is unable to be home 24/7 like I am.  He has to work outside the house, and I am left alone during the day.

In my day to day life, I am a very self-motivated person.  I have to be.  It isn’t that Master doesn’t sometimes give me extra chores via Couple or email, it is just that, barring additional messages I am expected to do certain things in the day.  I’ve been with Master for nearly 11 years, and he doesn’t have to instruct me quite so much each day because at this point, I know the basics.  It used to be that he left me lists of things to do.  Now, he doesn’t need to.  My memory is good enough that I will remember the few things that are mandatory.  Really, there’s not a ton he asks of me.  I spend time doing laundry and dishes, I blog, and then I either sew or cam depending on the day.  In a typical day I will generally get the laundry, dishes, and blogging sorted by noon.  Then I work until 4, and then I start dinner (unless Master has other plans for us).  This is how it has been for a long time.  Yes, there are other chores I do, but those usually wait for the weekend when we have more time.  The house stays reasonably clean and then we pick the pieces up on the weekends.

Seeing that I don’t have a ton I need to do, the anemia has been really difficult for me lately.  I am having trouble putting together meals for myself during the day simply because I lack energy.  Master has purchased some meal bars to me which, while not ideal, do help when I absolutely am incapable of putting together something more substantial.  Lately, my “chores” have been cut off and I am only expected to blog and sew, and I am even having a rough time doing that much.  If you follow my blog you will know that I am required to post a blog per day, unless Master gives me approval to take a bit of time off.  He has not given me time off.  Another thing to be aware of is that, I don’t blog when Master is home because I am busy doing things with him.  I get a lot less computer time on the weekends.  So, if you do the math, I need to write (on average) more than one post per day to get through the weekend.  Posts are not always written on the day that things happen, but they are written in a chronological order of events.  The problem is, a few days a week I need to write two posts.  Two posts is tough right now, not because I have nothing to say, but because I have less energy to say it.

Walking around the house I have been very out of breath, even just going from one room to the next, downstairs.  Master had to move our bed downstairs so that I would have to use less stairs during the day.  This is a blessing and a curse because obviously sleeping downstairs on the futon is less comfortable.  (Who doesn’t like sleeping in their bed?)  I have offered Master many times to sleep downstairs on the couch so he can sleep more comfortably upstairs, but he says he sleeps better with me in the bed, and he will not hear a word of it.  It’s his choice, but I do carry guilt whenever we need to sleep downstairs.

My fitness is suffering.  I can barely get through fifteen minutes of cardio or strength training, but, as long as I am not on my period, I do fifteen minutes per day of some sort of exercise.  Why?  Because if I do not, the POTS is going to go crazy.  I also really enjoy physical activity, and as someone who spends one hour a day (normally) working out, this is just unacceptable to me.

I have been muddling through as best as I can, but I feel like no one but Master understands.  It’s okay if no one online understands, because they aren’t in my life on a daily basis.  It’s hard when your family doesn’t understand though because “Your voice sounds fine,” on the phone.  Of course my voice sounds fine!  I have anemia, which is lack of blood, not strep throat.  Are you people insane?  Then, when I am huffing and puffing and out of breath because I have to go into the kitchen to get something while on the phone, they panic and ask what’s wrong.  What’s wrong?  The same thing you don’t believe I am dealing with.

Whenever people hear that I am dealing with anemia, they tell me it would disappear if I just ate meat.  Being flexitarian I usually only eat meat outside the house, and again, very rarely.  I am almost always eating salads or vegetarian outside the house anyway.  So, wrongfully everyone is just assuming that my 99% vegetarian diet is to blame.  Nope.  Ever since I was diagnosed as having anemia, I have gone out of my way to choke down some red meat every day.  Why?  Because heme iron is far more easy to absorb than non heme iron, and I am barely functioning as is.  Also, because Master has insisted on it, and I eat whatever Master tells me to.  Also, while I don’t mind fish or chicken occasionally, I really hate the taste of red meat and it has not been a pleasurable experience for me.  Master is proud of how well I am doing with it though, and tells me so constantly.  He also promised me that a few months after the surgery in May, he will not make me eat so much meat.  I also want to point out, that I’ve been eating more red meat for about six months, and guess what?  I still have anemia.  It was never related to my diet, it is related to incredibly heavy menstrual cycles.  Eating iron which is more easily absorbed will definitely help for the time being, but it’s not a cure.  I have also been taking three iron supplements and four tablespoons of blackstrap molasses per day.  I don’t think it is possible to get more iron in me right now.

When I tell people how I am struggling (with the exception of Master) they all tell me to just rest more!  Rest!  You have to rest!  Take more breaks!  I know this is coming from a good place, and people have good intentions, but it’s not feasible for me.  If I do not try to even maintain some level of fitness, my muscles will waste further, causing more frequent subluxations.  That ain’t good.  It will also make my POTS worse.  And, even if resting would not be a problem for the POTS or my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, it just isn’t possible because I am alone for the vast majority of my day.  There is no one else here who can come help me make lunch or help me with chores.  There is just me.  A lot of slaves are lucky that their Masters and Mistresses live at home with them and can help when they are sick.  When I am sick?  No one helps me.  I’m not saying my Master isn’t helpful.  If I am really sick, he helps me at night, but he cannot be there during the day, when things are the most difficult because I have so much to do.  And anyway, when he does have to help me due to a medical condition I feel awful and I despise needing the help.

The only thing that makes me able to wait the two months to surgery is knowing that after I have my surgery, the blood will start to actually build up in my system and count.  In two more months, I will slowly start to build up blood stores.  Two months really does feel like forever when you’re struggling to do the little things like eat and take a shower first thing in the morning, but it will come.

The next person to tell me to eat a burger is getting a punch to the throat though.  SERIOUSLY.  Those of you who are thinking of typing “Eat a burger” in the comments?  You’re not cute.  Resist.

Tagged with 

12 thoughts on “My Reality

  1. (((Hugs))) you know I simply think the world of you, and you’re one of the sweetest people I “know”. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

  2. Oh sweetheart, firstly I’m so sorry for being one of those annoying people telling you to rest more hugs
    Secondly, damn I wish I was there so I could help you out with stuff if you needed it and make you feel a bit less alone.
    I’m so sorry your family don’t understand, I guess like many things it’s difficult to understand unless you’re living it, not that that’s an excuse at all.
    Keep hanging in there Kitty, I am wishing this next 2 months away so fast.
    xxxxxxx

    • @Persephone Aww, I hope you don’t feel like the post was AT you because it wasn’t. Just getting out frustrations. :) You are very kind to me and I appreciate you letting me whinge when need be. ::hugs::

  3. HUGS<<<

    Not telling you to eat a burger, but since your master is making eating red meat anyway, something I detest also. Have you tried tenderloins or cooking it in a slow cooker. I find it decent sometimes. I think there should be recipes online to hide the taste and texture of meat.

  4. i have been reading your blog for about a year now and i never comment. however, this hit me close to home. i know how it feels to have various illnesses and be a sub. it’s hard sometimes because while hurting or just not feeling well you will still do what you are suppose to do. i suffer from chronic pain due to acute full body spasms and anemia as well. my Master often has to take over some chores that my body just wont allow me to complete. i wish i had some suggestions about the meat thing other that what Gaia posted about a slow cooker. i know you can tenderize meat and marinate over night with various herbs to give it a more palatable taste. your Master and you are in our thoughts daily and i hope that the anemia gets better as spring approaches.

    p.s. you really keep me uplifted, smiling and full of new ideas thanks :D

    • @Amorza. Your comment really brought a smile to my heart: you truly get it. Thank you so much for commenting. It has made my night to feel a bit less alone. :)

  5. MomoNoHanna says:

    I know what it feels like to have people not understand something medical. I was diagnosed with celiac disease about 2 1/2 years ago. People keep referring to me as ‘someone who doesn’t eat like normal people’. I get this comment a lot! And there is the forever annoying ‘gluten-free food tastes disgusting’ comment –-. They just don’t get it that I don’t have a choice in what I eat. Usually I respond to their ignorance with ‘if you felt like a bowling ball was ripping apart your intestines when you had wheat, you be avoiding it like the plague to’. Then when I quench over in pain, I usually get the ‘oh you should be careful about what you eat.’ –– Sometimes people’s ignorance and stupidity are just too much! I really hope you feel better after the surgery and just ignore the ignorant people. They might not understand but there are people out there, either online or in person who do. Just remember you are adorable :)

    • @MomoNoHanna That is really awful about people being rude about your celiac disease. :( I don’t know anyone in person with celiac (though I do know a few people who eat gluten free as a way to lose weight). Still, it seems like a hard thing to live with and I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. I mean, gluten is in everything!

      You have been a very sweet commenter for a long while and always so supportive of me. Thank you for being so awesome. I really hope your friends and family start understanding a bit better.

      ::hugs::

  6. so many HUGS for you Kitty.

    it is so hard to have to change ones daily routine to deal with changing health problems, as i have come to learn. I have had so many tell me “OH you cant have that because your diabetic” or tell me “You don’t know how to be a proper diabetic” these from another diabetic who has regular blood sugar crashes, and near diabetic coma episodes.

    but now the Neuropathy has really slowed me down, and changed just what i can do.