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Shyness

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“Well, considering what you do for a living, I can’t believe you’re so shy in person.”

That is a phrase I hear all the time.  I’m not the shyest person in the room most times, but on XBOX live, or when I first meet a person, yeah – I have a tendency to be a bit nervous and shy.  Why is that?  Well honestly, I’m surprised most people ask me but I figured I’d try to put it into words.

For those of you who don’t know what I do for a living (and that would surprise me, if you’re reading this blog), I am an adult web cam chat host.  I do a lot of things for the camera.  If you use your imagination, you’ll get a decent idea.  I do MUCH more for the camera than the average person thinks, even by reading my imlive profile page.  Most people understand that they don’t understand all the things I do on cam, which makes them assume things about me.  I also blog about my life, and talk about sex and sex toys a lot.  For those reasons alone, most people assume that in person I not only talk about sex or my work non-stop, but that I am an absolute party animal who is willing to do anything in public on a whim, without pause or fear of consequence.

That simply could not be more wrong though.

When someone enters my chat room, the logic in me tells me that the person coming to see me wants to get dirty and have some nude fun with me.  After all, he/she just clicked on an explicit description of the things I’m willing to do for them.  It is an understood rule that if someone comes to my room that I am to do what he/she wants within reason as well as within the rules of the site which I perform on.  The types of guys who visit me are not usually looking for a shy girl who will only do things with coaxing (and that’s not really my style anyway), and I am only too happy to oblige.

Things are different when I meet people in person, or chat with them in other ways.  I will never be the first one to bring up sex.  I let other people start talking about that on their own.  When I am talking with a friend or family member, there is not an implied rule that I must get naked and start doing explicit things.  Well, unless we’re at a play party, but that is a whole other ball game.  There are not lights on me, there is no rating system.  There’s just me, and in truth without a camera on I will be shy to get to know any person at first.

In my chat room, I do not have to worry about other people’s feelings.  I do not have to worry about whether or not someone will be offended by what I have said or done:  chances are 99% of the time, they just aren’t going to be.  But talking with people on a one on one basis is different.  You never know what makes them tick.  Some people are just pervs – which is fun for me because it fits in with my own personality.  If you bring up sex first, then yes I’ll talk about it with you plenty.  I’ve found though that the majority of people I chat with or who I know in person don’t really want to talk about sex or kink with the exception of my kinky friends and Master.  So no, I’m not going to go steering the conversation somewhere that people don’t want to go.

Really, I think it all boils down to courtesy.  When someone comes to my chat room, the attention is all squarely placed on me.  Real life isn’t like that, nor would I want it to be.  I like being able to sit back and listen to others and their own opinions.  I do enjoy being able to participate (not dominate) a conversation, and actually in person I get nervous when all the spot light is on me.  Outside of my chat room, I try to blend in with the crowd.  By that I mean – you won’t see me dancing on bar tables or doing other things purely to get attention.  Yeah, I’ll always be a little different, but being different and always needing the attention are two different things.