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Working On Fears

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driving 2

I think the last time I wrote about my fear of driving, it was a year or so ago. Where am I with that, now? Eh. About the same place, to be honest.

Master and me were relaxing on Saturday and enjoying ourselves. We realized we’d need to go to the store to pick up one item we forgot the other day. Out of nowhere Master asked me if I wanted to drive. I hesitated. He hadn’t told me to, he had asked me what I wanted. What I wanted was not to drive. I told him so. He told me that if I did drive, we could drive to Whole Foods and he’d let me pick out one special thing as a treat. He told me it didn’t have to be food. Just one special thing. I hesitated, still. I really did not want to drive. Master told me he would have Sumomo set up to avoid highways.

Treat. Fewer highways. Driving. I sighed and reluctantly agreed. I know this is something I absolutely have to conquer. I know I cannot let this fear fester inside me forever. I need to gain my confidence back when I’m driving, and I need to do it in this lifetime. I grabbed my fleece vest and we went down to the car. I got inside and we took a picture, for proof that I actually drove, you know. Master had told me ahead of time that the only thing he expected of me was that I would make it there, he would drive us home. I took a deep breath, moved my mirrors around, and slowly backed out of the lot. Master kept a hand on my knee most of the time which was very calming.

We made it around the block exactly once before I got scared out of my mind, and pulled over to cry. Smooth, huh?

Master told me we could switch places, and I didn’t have to drive if I didn’t want to. He said there would be no treat (obviously), but he’d drive us to get the item we needed. At first, I wanted to switch places and just sulk in the passenger seat. It would be a lot easier than facing this scary, scary thing. I am so grateful that Master hasn’t pushed me into this whole driving thing. He has been very kind and gentle with me, and I think if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be able to make the small strides I’ve been making. I told Master that, no, I thought I could do it, and I wanted to try again.

I took another deep breath, and I pulled out of the spot.

According to the GPS, it should have taken us a total of 25 minutes to get to Whole Foods. It took us forty five between my white-knuckled terror, and the crying episode over on the side of the road, but, I did make it. The entire time I was driving I just wished it would be over. It was awful. Master bought me a gluten free coconut chocolate brownie. I eat gluten, so I’m not a Celiac, but there’s so many nommy gluten-free things that sometimes I do eat non-gluten stuff. Master was curious to try it too, and he liked it, which shocked me. I spent the drive home feeding Master bites when he told me to, and trying to calm my frazzled nerves. I didn’t want to ever drive again. :/ I was just not in the best of spirits. Driving down really took a lot out of me, and it wasn’t something I relished. Still, I have to admit, this is a huge step for me.

Master told me that any time I want to drive him down to Whole Foods he will get me a treat from there. Any time. Maybe I’ll try again next week.. But as I’m feeling right now? I’d rather not.