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Fear

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I’m afraid.  Afraid of something very silly, for an adult my age.  I’m afraid to go to the dentist and have my teeth removed next Friday.  If you want to read about my visit to have my first two wisdom teeth out, you can go here to read about it.  Basically though, it didn’t go well at all – and now I’m scared to go back.  I was supposed to go in June, but could not deal with it at the time and cancelled.  Master wants me to have these teeth out before our anniversary in September though, so I’m trying to be a good kitty.

The other day I looked at the calendar and then looked at Master.  I looked at the calendar again, then looked at Master.  I mentioned to him that there were less than two weeks until I get my teeth out.  He looked at me and tried to cheer me up by reminding me that we’re going out to my favorite restaurant before we go to the appointment.  Don’t get me wrong – I think this is really sweet of him.  I’m glad I’ll be able to fill up on one big meal before I am stuck on a liquid diet as well..  It just isn’t much of a consolation prize to me, I don’t think.

Generally, if some kind of medical procedure is coming up like this, I hit this odd sort of depression before I get actually nervous.  I lose all motivation.  I sleep in late.  I am less joyful.  I do not want to eat.  I do not sleep well.  Then, about a day before I go in, I am on pins and needles and get the shakes.  Medical procedures are not anything I ever look forward to.  Hell, I do not even really enjoy medical play in a sexual sense.  I think my worst nightmare would be Master acquiring a dental chair to strap me into.  I think I would cry before he even did anything to me.  ::Shudders::

One thing which is really annoying me lately, which had annoyed me a lot when I have my first two teeth out are all the people telling me to buck up and get over it.  “Oh, you’re a masochist!  You’ll love it!”  No.  No I won’t.  I’m going because Master wants me to, and because I am an adult who understands that if I do not go, there will be medical consequences down the road.  But not ALL masochists enjoy ALL types of pain.  It is far different to me to receive pain or fear from someone I love and trust like Master, then it is to receive it from someone who I have no connection with at all, even on just a play partner kind of level.

I’m in one of those funks right now.  I have no motivation.  I just want to curl up in a ball and nap until D-Day arrives next friday.  I’m trying my best to be a busy kitty and not dwell on impending unpleasantness, but fear is a normal human emotion.  I am human.  I am afraid.