Frazzled

I’ve been stuck in a weird place I can’t seem to get out from under and I’m having a difficult time. I don’t know what to really do with it, either. Try to increase formula? Try to sleep more? Take more of my supplements, take less? Take what’s comfortable? Don’t sleep. Stick to schedule, change schedule? Listen to body, try to push through. Nothing is getting me where I want to be. I’m. In the bad place. I can’t get out. Drums in the deep. All that dramatic stuff.

But all the dramatic stuff aside, having done what I’m told to do, and trying to troubleshoot on my own, and consulting with Master Pravus too.. I mean. Nothing is working. I mean nothing. And I’m just. I’m not the type of person who just runs out of energy. I’m the sort of person who annoys everyone in a twelve foot radius with my energy and then past experience tells me that whenever I get low on energy its because I literally am getting Bad Way sick.

I’ve been on an antibiotic for a month now, for a high fever only it didn’t break the fever. :/ Like, the fever came down to “acceptable” levels, and then if I rested, the fever would completely disappear.. But if I did anything, even something as mild as “shave my head” or “go upstairs and edit pictures on my laptop” (I’m downstairs Master Pravus has had me sleeping down here I’ve been so sick) my fever comes back. Well. The antibiotic ended, but my fever didn’t return. Not yet (But it has been less than one day, so I don’t know if I can just “call” it). I’m not trying to be annoying or sound like I expect it to come back, but. I haven’t managed to be off an antibiotic very long since my surgery yet. And on top of that, my feeding tube has started to have pain around it. Pain that makes sleep really tough. My feeding tube never hurts unless it’s infected. I’m in a “matter of time” scenario. Either the thing clears up on its own (but judging by the pain being so bad it’s affecting my sleep, unlikely) or, it’s likely going to get worse. And I just. I hate this? Because this whole thing is stupid.

And the worst part about this whole thing is that. I mean. I was supposed to have a TPN consult so we could hopefully have the feeding tube removed and I could get nutrition IV, but we had to cancel my appointment and they won’t see me until we fix the fever and underlying infection. So. I mean.

I’m tired. I’m just frazzled.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. I had restarted my exercises, despite having this infection still- as long as I don’t have a fever on that day.. Because I’m annoying. ::Shrugs:: What do you people want from me? I said I was annoying. Anyway, they’re literally some chair exercises, and I don’t do them if I have the fever. And then, a few days after restarting my chair exercises, I decided I would go on my constitutional.

“Yeah, let’s do it, Kitty!”

For those of you new here, that’s a ridiculous little time of day where I put on some normal people clothes and then go outside and wander around in the yard looking at the wildflowers for no real reason other than to go into the sun a little. I used to go to the park everyday for a little walk, but I can’t really leave the house like this. I’ve been too sick lately. I feel like they’re going to figure out my feeding tube eventually and we’ll get back to the park, but not just yet.

“You remember how you told me I reminded you of clover flowers?” Master Pravus asked me.

“Of course,” I told him. “They look like little computer flowers!” I laughed.

“I think if you were a flower, you would be a buttercup,” he told me.

I smiled at him. Buttercups are cute.

“Why?” I asked him.

“Because they make me think of your port needle. Those are always yellow,” he pointed to my chest. I grimaced. I don’t really like being compared to my equipment.

“Eewww,” I said and turned around, obviously grossed out.

“Wait!” He said.

Of course I stopped. I turned around for him. Maybe there was something else he wanted to say. Maybe.

“They’re also cute. And small…”

I smiled at him. An easy answer. But I do love him a lot. I’d let him have it.

“…and. You’re always under my chin when I hug you.”

I melted.

“Awww. I love you, Master.”

I hugged him. My head came up under his chin.

We got in the house a very short while later after probably ten minutes of ambling around outside, and I spent a half hour curled up in a ball unable to reach the book I had been previously curled up with. I kid you not. I told Master Pravus how draining that had been and he said:

“That just means you should push harder to do your constitutional everyday again.”

I don’t know.

I’m not saying he’s wrong, maybe he’s right. But I just don’t know. Usually, when I have energy, I just don’t want to sit still. Right now I’m sitting here and it hurts to breathe. There has to be a way back from the Bad Way place, but I’m not sure what it is. Will I push harder? I’ll try. But I’m not sure how much more we’re going to get out of me. Lately all I want to do is sleep, but there’s no comfortable position: another bad sign. Hopefully by the next update post I have better news. But right now. I’m not feeling my best and I wish I had better to say. This is just where we’re at.