“You’ll Crawl, Then.”
“How did your day go?” he asked me.
“I. I spent it crying mostly.”
0.0 “Why?! I know you’re overwhelmed, but why?”
“You know I’m overwhelmed…?”
“It’s obvious.”
“…..”
“Your hip still sucks. You just figured out how to barely deal with your feeding tube still keeping you sick, and then you did something to your ankle.”
I sighed. “Yeah. I mean. I feel like. I could get by with just my ankle. Or I could keep going a little with just my feeding tube. But. With both of them. And my hip. Ehh. I don’t know how. It’s. It’s hard. And I’m tired.”
“Of course you’re tired. But you’re giving up, and that’s not like you.”
::I squinted at him::
“I what?”
“You didn’t make it up to that video shoot we were going to do the other day.”
“I’m exhausted. It’s so hard to get around on one foot..”
“Quitter talk..”
“….! But it’s only been a couple days! What. What literally do you..? What am I supposed to…?” I sighed. “How do?” I said dumbly.
“I think you need better images.”
“That’s so much effort over a sprain. I just wanna rest it and wait.”
“Why the quitter talk..?”
“It’s a sprain..? It’s been a couple of days? We just give it time..?”
“It looks weird. You could at LEAST mention it at your next appointment.”
“>.> I mean. I GUESS. ACK. I mean. Mentioning it can’t hurt I guess. But I think just elevate…? Keep it compressed? Stay off until swelling goes down..?”
“Meantime, you’ll crawl then.”
“…..?”
“Tomorrow you’ll wake up. Get your fluids. And you can move slowly upstairs. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. We’ll get there. You’ll get into costume. You have the entire day. Then you’ll get your makeup on, and you’ll shave your head. That’s what you’ll do. You can have extra caffeine. But you’ll do it. Whatever you need. You’re not giving up.”
“But I’m literally not!”
“Yep.”
“….” O.o
And he went into the kitchen to make the formula for my feeding tube bag. And I went back to thinking about something. I don’t remember where I read it, but I remember reading that it doesn’t matter what you do or what you participate in so much. It only matters that you do it and that you participate in it. It doesn’t matter so much when you’re there. It matters when you’re not. You have to show up. Showing up is the important thing. And I have to show up. And I think that’s Master Pravus’ point. It doesn’t matter how garbage I feel. I have to show up. I have to figure out a way to crawl. I always have before. It’s not really so important what I do or why I do it. But I have to do it. And feeling overwhelmed is OK, because it happens and all feelings are OK because they’re normal. But. I can’t just. Not figure it out. I don’t think of myself as a quitter. I didn’t think I was quitting, I thought I was just trying to formulate a plan. But I’ll just put one foot in front of the next. That’s the plan. Crawl. Maybe the plan is day by day. Maybe it’s a slow plan. But that’s what it is. Crawl. Get back there. Slow-like. But get back. ::Arm pump::