Impasse
What does this picture have to do with anything? I mean nothing. It has nothing at all to do with anything but I don’t like posting blogs without an image so there I am! Heh.
Monday didn’t go as planned. The night before my feeding tube got clogged, and I’m too sick to make a journey to the doctor without my feeding tube running. It’s so ridiculous. As of the time I’m typing this, we still haven’t got the tube unclogged, and, it’s really wearing me down. I have had a fever since April, the antibiotics didn’t actually clear it up (but they did knock it down a notch) and I need to get it to get new or different medicine, I just don’t know what. And I can’t get in like this.
On top of that my ankle. I mean, it’s really not great. Like the only thing “better” about it is that the bruising is going down, but I couldn’t walk in the air cast at all. Like, at all. It was awful. I was hunched over trying to walk. And now Master Pravus put me in a much sturdier ankle stabilizer so I can walk around a little better, but the thing still hurts no matter what you do with it, like even if it’s sitting there. An on top of that the swelling is preposterous. Like I have a huge swelling the size of a golf ball that just comes and goes near where the injury happened, and the whole thing just feels… Bad. I can’t even move it properly. I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing but I can’t.. Like get in to ask.
And on top of all of that. I mean. I went to bed last night after having a supplement. And it hurt (they usually do) so I thought that’s what was causing me pain. But when I woke up in the morning, it was clear the pain was actually because my feeding tube had dislodged in the night. I’m. I’m just. Like that’s sort of final straw stuff because a dislodged feeding tube doesn’t last that long to begin with, and to make things worse it’s clogged and… I can’t get to the doctor with this fever. I can’t literally. I!
So. Uhm. I mean. Right now everything hinges on getting the tube unclogged, and we’re trying every hour when Master Pravus isn’t at work. (I mean, I can’t do it on my own, and he can’t cut work to do it.) We do it on his lunch break too. But overall. Like. This isn’t the best of times.
I was super, super sad about it the other night. Like tears. Because not only is it stressy but there’s nearly no way I am going to last until my normal tube change (I mean, I nearly never do anyway)… But now? Ugh. I just want the whole thing to be done with. I don’t want to think about it at all. I tried to do things like remind myself how many times I have survived this exact thing with my tube. But. I mean. I have but it’s always awful.
Master Pravus wasn’t really standing for the despair, though:
“I hate to do this, Kitty,” he told me smiling. (I don’t think he really hated to do this.)
“Do what?” I asked absentmindedly not seeing anything in his hand or anything.
He whipped my bink out from nowhere and he said:
“You’ve been sad all day. But I know what will cheer you up, you love having things in your mouth…”
His big hand came close to my face and my hand automatically wrapped around his thumb. He started teasing me in and out with it a little bit.
“I knew that would make you smile…” he said quietly. “You love when I put things in there. It doesn’t matter what, does it, you little slut?”
He slipped it in the rest of the way and I heard the little “snap” of the paci clip on my jammies.
I mean. When in doubt, shut my brain off by putting something in my mouth. Kinda worked. 🙂