Go To Sleep, Fear and More

It’s no secret that Master Pravus reads to me a little bit before I go to sleep. Sometimes we don’t have a lot of time, and he’ll read a single page out of the Alphabet Fairies book, or sometimes maybe a chapter out of another book. It depends on the night. The other night he read to me from “Go The Fuck To Sleep.” We found it in a little library and it’ll probably go back in soon, but it made me laugh so fucking much. See:

That was a picture of my goofy face as he was reading it to me. I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing. And on top of it. I mean. Master Pravus is really sappy, and he’s really sweet… But none of the sweetnames he has for me are. Well he doesn’t call me things like “hon” or “darling.” This is not a complaint. I adore and cherish being Master Pravus’ “Dumb Slut” or his “Fuzzy Kitty” or “Good Noodle” (condescending). But all those precious tender little sweetnames in the book interspersed with “Go the fuck to sleep…” were tripping him up in the most comedic kind of way. That did not really help me go to sleep because I was laughing sooo much. But 10/10 would read again.

I am starting to hit my “Fear too big can’t hide” part of going to the hospital. And I thought I was doing OK. I’m not OK. Not really. I don’t think. How do I know?

“Kitty, I can tell you’re scared.”

“What? I thought I was doing good at distracting myself.”

“You are. That’s how I know you’re scared. I can constantly see you getting lost in your fear and then doing your best to distract yourself.”

O well thanks. >.<

It’s just that the last time I went it was so awful. Terrible. I’m so scared to go back.

“Kitty,” Master Pravus reminds me so often, “Don’t forget the process.”

The Process:

He’s right. I believe I am stuck on step two. This is tricky. I gotta get to step 3. Going in is shit. But after I get through the surgery, it might be ok. And after I heal.. It could be awesome. But for now. It’s step two. And step two is hard. OOF.